5 Ways to Make It Through the Holidays With Grief

A gentle, honest guide from an EMDR Grief Specialist

If you are moving through grief this holiday season, I want to begin here: you are not broken, weak, dramatic, or doing grief wrong.

Grief is not a problem to fix. It is a natural, human response to loss—one that has existed for as long as love has existed. And during the holidays, grief often gets louder. Traditions highlight what is missing. Sights, sounds, and smells stir memories. Emotions can feel heavier, sharper, or more confusing than expected.

As a Florida grief counselor and Tampa therapist who provides grief counseling, trauma therapy, and EMDR, I’ve walked with many people through this season. My hope is that this guide offers you something steady to hold onto—psychoeducation to help you understand what’s happening, validation for what you’re feeling, and practical ways to move through holidays and grief without abandoning yourself.

1. Understand What Your Brain and Nervous System Are Doing

One of the most important things to know about grief is this: grief lives in both the heart and the brain.

Grief does not respond well to logic, timelines, or advice. It responds to safety, space, and expression. This is why comments like “Try to stay positive” or “They wouldn’t want you to be sad” often feel painful instead of helpful.

During the holidays, grief is frequently triggered even something as simple as a sensory input—like smell can send you into a rush of emotions. From a neuroscience perspective, this makes sense. The olfactory system (your sense of smell) is directly connected to the amygdala and hippocampus, the parts of the brain responsible for emotion and memory. Unlike other senses, smell bypasses rational processing and goes straight to emotional memory.

That means when you smell a familiar holiday meal, a loved one’s perfume, a candle, or a home, your nervous system can react before you consciously realize why. Emotions can surge quickly and intensely.

In grief, this can feel especially disorienting because your body responds as if your loved one is still here, while your mind knows they are gone. This mismatch between body memory and present reality can feel overwhelming, sharp, and deeply sad.

Research consistently shows that smell-evoked memories are more emotional and vivid than memories triggered by other senses, due to this direct neural pathway. This is not a weakness. It is how the nervous system stores love, attachment, and meaning.

Grounding Exercise:
When a sensory trigger hits, gently orient yourself to the present:

• Name 5 things you can see

• Name 3 things you can feel in your body

• Take one slow breath, extending the exhale

This helps your nervous system remember: I am safe right now.

2. Let Go of Grief Myths That Make the Holidays Harder

Many people suffer more during the holidays because they are grieving and fighting false expectations about grief.

Let’s gently clear a few of these away:

• Grief does not follow neat stages

• There is no correct timeline or one-year rule

• Grief is not linear

• Feeling angry at God or a higher power is not a lack of faith—it is often evidence of relationship

In grief counseling, we make space for anger, confusion, questions, and frustration rather than shutting them down. Research shows that suppressing grief-related emotions is associated with greater distress over time, while healthy expression supports adaptation and healing.

Practical Reflection:
Ask yourself:

“What expectations about grief am I putting on myself this holiday season that may not be fair?”

Write them down. Then ask:

“What would compassion sound like instead?”

3. Honor All Forms of Loss—Not Just the Ones Others See

Many people believe grief is only about death. This belief leaves countless people suffering silently.

Grief can follow many kinds of loss:

• Primary losses: death, divorce, miscarriage, infertility, job loss

• Secondary losses: loss of identity, safety, routine, trust, finances, health

• Ambiguous losses: estrangement, addiction, chronic illness, unanswered questions

• Disenfranchised losses: losses that are minimized or unacknowledged by others

Research on disenfranchised grief shows that when loss is not socially recognized, grief often becomes more complicated and isolating.

If it mattered to you, and it has changed or ended, your grief is real. You do not need permission to mourn.

Practical Exercise:
Create a private list titled: “What I’m grieving this season.”

Include everything—big or small, visible or invisible. Naming loss reduces shame and helps the nervous system feel less alone.

4. Redefine Healing: You Don’t “Get Over” Grief

One of the most harmful myths about grief is the idea that healing means getting over it.

In grief therapy, we focus on reconciliation, not resolution.

Reconciliation means learning how two truths can coexist:

“Someone I love is gone, and I am forever changed…
and I can still experience meaning, connection, and moments of joy.”

Healthy mourning happens in doses. This aligns with what we know about nervous system regulation.

• Cry, then rest

• Remember, then step away

• Talk, then breathe

EMDR therapy for grief and trauma is one evidence-based way to help the brain process painful memories so they no longer overwhelm the present. It does not erase love or loss—it helps the nervous system carry them with less pain. To learn more about Grief and Mourning click here

Practical Practice:
Set a daily time to lean into your grief during the holidays:

• 10–15 minutes to journal, cry, pray, or remember

• When time is up, gently lean away and return to the day

This teaches the nervous system that grief is allowed and survivable.

5. Stay Connected Through Continuing Bonds

Your relationship does not end because someone is gone. Research on continuing bonds shows that maintaining an ongoing inner connection with a loved one is not unhealthy—it is often healing.

You might honor them this holiday season by:

• Writing letters to them

• Listening to their favorite holiday music

• Keeping or adapting traditions

• Making their favorite dish

• Saying their name out loud

• Doing an act of kindness in their honor

As long as these practices are not harming you or others, they can support meaning-making and emotional regulation.

Holiday Ritual Exercise:
Choose one intentional way to include your loved one this season. Keep it simple. You are not required to do everything.

When Grief Feels Especially Heavy

Some grief is more complicated due to:

• Trauma or sudden loss

• Suicide loss

• Multiple losses

• Pre-existing anxiety or depression

If this resonates, it does not mean you are failing. It may mean additional support could help. Grief counseling, trauma therapy, or EMDR with a trained Tampa therapist or Florida grief counselor can provide structure and relief.

A Final Word for the Holidays

You do not have to rush grief.
You do not have to pretend you’re okay.
You do not have to grieve like anyone else.

Grief changes us—but we can still be whole.

If you are looking for grief therapy, EMDR, or trauma therapy with a Tampa therapist or Florida grief counselor, support is available. Healing happens when grief is met with compassion, not pressure.

Research & Clinical Foundations

This guide is informed by peer-reviewed research in grief, neuroscience, and trauma, including work by:

• Bonanno (resilience and grief adaptation)

• Klass, Silverman, & Nickman (continuing bonds)

• Shear (complicated grief)

• Porges (polyvagal theory)

• Herz & Schooler (olfactory memory and emotion)

• Shapiro (EMDR therapy)
  
  DISCLAIMER: ALL CONTENT IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT MEANT TO REPLACE OR SUPPLEMENT FORMAL MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELING. Consult with your own licensed therapist before trying any of the educational examples of exercises.