The Six Needs of Mourning: What Healing Grief Can Really Look Like
Grief changes everything. It changes how we see ourselves, our relationships, and even how we move through everyday life.
As a therapist specializing in trauma and grief in Tampa, I’ve walked with many people through deep loss — losses that leave you feeling like you’re living in two worlds at once: the world that keeps going and the world that stopped when your person died.
When I first learned about Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s Six Needs of Mourning, I felt such deep relief. His work gave language to what my clients and I were already living — that grief is not something to “get over,” but something to tend to, move through, and integrate.
If you’ve been searching for a therapist for grief or wondering what therapy for grief might actually look like, I hope this gives you a sense of what healing can mean in real life.
Who Is Dr. Alan Wolfelt?
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a nationally recognized grief counselor, educator, and author who has devoted decades to understanding how humans heal from loss. He founded the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he trains clinicians and supports grieving families worldwide.
Unlike traditional “five stages” models that focus on emotional “checkpoints”, Wolfelt’s Six Needs of Mourning view grief as an active, holistic process — one where you engage with your loss in a way that honors both your pain and your capacity to live again.
I love that this model aligns beautifully with trauma-informed therapy, because it recognizes that healing isn’t linear — it’s lived.
Need One: Accepting the Reality of the Loss
Acceptance isn’t a single moment. It’s something that unfolds slowly — sometimes painfully — as your body, brain, and heart begin to take in what happened.
Early in grief therapy, this might look like telling your story out loud for the first time. Sometimes, people in grief therapy will say, “I can talk about it, but it still doesn’t feel real.” That’s completely normal. Your nervous system often protects you from being overwhelmed by delaying full awareness of the loss.
In EMDR sessions, I often help clients process the images or moments their mind keeps replaying. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps the brain integrate those memories without the same level of emotional charge. EMDR is a way to move from disbelief and shock toward grounded reality, one session at a time.
Need Two: Feel the Pain of the Loss
There’s no shortcut here — our pain must be felt to be healed. But that doesn’t mean you have to face it all at once, or alone.
In therapy, I often describe grief as a series of waves. Some are small and manageable; others knock you down without warning. The goal isn’t to stop the waves, but to help your body and mind learn how to float through them.
This is where trauma-informed therapy becomes essential. Grief and trauma can often be deeply connected — both on it’s affect the nervous system, sleep, appetite, and concentration. In my years serving Tampa through trauma and grief therapy, I’ve had the privilege of helping my clients use EMDR to help reduce the intensity of painful memories, while giving those emotions a voice.
Sometimes clients come in saying, “I thought I should be over this by now.” But grief doesn’t operate on a timeline. It’s not linear — it’s layered. Therapy is an invitation to explore each layer with compassion rather than judgment.
Need Three: Remembering the One Who Died
Many people feel uncomfortable with this idea at first. They say, “I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to forget.”
And that’s not what this need asks of you because that is an unrealistic expectation.
It’s about moving forward with your loved one’s memory — not moving on from them.
In therapy, this can take many forms. Some clients write letters, others create intentional plans of remembrance or integrate their loved one’s values into their own lives.
When my mom passed away in my 20’s, I realized I still talk to her — but now, it’s in my heart instead of over the phone. Her life that she lived, still has lessons that I can learn from in many ways. That’s the essence of this need: transforming the relationship rather than severing it.
This is often one of the most meaningful stages of the work. It’s where grief begins to shift from something that consumes you to something that connects you. Here’s another blog that talks about The Difference Between Grief and Mourning.
Need Four: Develop a New Self- Identity
This need is where daily life starts to feel strange. You may find yourself reaching for your phone to text someone who’s gone or setting a second place at the table without thinking.
Adjustment happens on multiple levels:
Externally: learning new skills, taking on new roles, or managing responsibilities your loved one once handled.
Internally: redefining your identity now that your world has changed.
Spiritually: grappling with questions about meaning, purpose, and even faith.
Grief often shakes the foundation of what we believe about the world and about God. Even if you don’t consider yourself particularly religious, loss tends to stir deep spiritual questions: “Where are they now?” “Why did this happen?” “How do I trust again?”
In grief therapy, we don’t rush to find answers. Instead, we create space for the questions — because exploring them is part of your healing.
Need Five: Finding Meaning in the Loss
This need isn’t about making sense of the senseless — it’s about meaning-making, not rationalizing.
Sometimes, meaning is found in how we carry our loved one’s legacy forward. Other times, it’s in how the loss changes our priorities, deepens our empathy, or redirects our path.
When we approach this need through the lens of EMDR or trauma-informed therapy, we’re helping the brain link past and present in a way that integrates rather than fragments. The loss becomes part of your story — not the whole story.
Many of my clients in Tampa grief therapy clients come to me after months of trying to “stay strong” for others. But it’s when we finally create room for meaning, that’s when something inside them has the space to exhale. You don’t have to have all the answers. Meaning grows in the soil of presence, reflection, and support.
Need Six: Let others Help
This need can feel both hopeful and terrifying. To let others in again means to risk loving again — and for those who’ve experienced loss, that type of vulnerability can feel almost impossible at first.
Healing doesn’t mean you stop missing them. It means you’ve learned how to carry the love and the loss together. Grief is what your love becomes when you lose someone.
I often tell clients, “You can be grieving and growing at the same time and the best way to grow is through community.” In the beginning this can feel daunting which is how grief therapy is meant to support you while you build that capacity — to laugh again, connect again, and reengage with life in ways that honor both your pain and your resilience. It’s about taking time to lean into your grief and also time to lean away.
For some, that might mean setting new goals. For others, it might mean simply allowing joy to exist alongside sorrow. Wherever you are, this is where grief begins to transform into something less about survival and more about living fully again.
Grief Therapy Isn’t About “Getting Over It”
If you’ve been searching for therapy for grief near me or grief therapy in Tampa, I want to say this clearly: you are not broken for grieving. You are human.
The six needs of mourning aren’t steps to complete — they’re invitations to feel, reflect, and rebuild at your own pace. In therapy, you’ll find space to tell your story, explore memories, process pain, and rediscover meaning — without pressure to perform your healing for anyone else.
As a therapist for grief and trauma in Tampa, I love to integrate EMDR, grief work, and body-based techniques to help clients process both emotional and physical grief responses. You don’t have to face it alone — and you don’t have to rush it.
A Gentle Invitation
If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out. Whether you’re exploring therapy for grief or curious about EMDR in Tampa, I’d love to help you find a way forward that honors your story (I am licensed to serve all of Florida and Texas)
Grief doesn’t ever disappear, but it can change. And with the right support, you can too.
If you’re in the Tampa area and ready to begin your healing journey, you can schedule a FREE 10 minute Introduction Call today to see if we’re the right fit for your grief therapy needs.
-Ciara Helm, LCSW, CCTP II
Owner of Hopeful Heart Counseling
